


The One Where the Ghosts Write Fanfic

by Bolts_of_nice



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: A lot of shipping of friends characters, Julian is insufferable, Kitty wants to be Phoebe, Multi, Pat wants to be happy, Robin doesn't want to be a part of the nonsense, Thomas wants to be Rachel, spoilers for season 4 of friends, the Captain really ships Joey and Chandler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 16:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19009726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bolts_of_nice/pseuds/Bolts_of_nice
Summary: Alison has lost the season five disc, and some of the ghosts cannot survive without their daily dose of Friends.Or the one where the ghosts write a Friends fanfiction but, as always, it doesn't go to plan.Really odd, I wrote this when I was tired and stressed so it's a little bit of a crack fic





	The One Where the Ghosts Write Fanfic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cacti17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cacti17/gifts).



"What do you mean you haven't got the fifth disc? This is unacceptable- "

 

"Alison you could not possibly comprehend- Ross and Emily were to be wed, yet at the altar he utters the name of my beloved Rachel!"

 

"And Phoebe is going to have triplets!"

 

"Plus I wouldn't mind watching more of Monica and Chandler- do you know if they ever show anything in more detail?"

  


"Ew- Julian- no." Alison sighed and placed her mug of tea on the counter. She looked despairingly at the four ghosts talking at her: the captain in the centre of the group, head held high as always, desperate to have his demands met. Thomas, to the left of him was seemingly disgusted at what Julian was hoping for, whereas Kitty, to the left, looked confused more than anything else. Julian was sat upon the counter, legs stretched wide leaving very little to the imagination.

 

"Look, I think I leant it to one of my friends back when we lived at the old place. I'll text her and see if she's got it. But only if you four-" She gestured wildly at the four of them, "-stay out of my way, and stop pestering me about this bloody DVD. And Julian, for the love of God get off that counter before Fanny has another meltdown."

 

"I would never have a so called 'melt down' over something like that! How dare you even suggest it!" Fanny passed through the wall and joined the conversation. Luckily Alison was so used to this sort of behaviour that it didn't even make her jump anymore.

 

"Fanny! Why are you here? Sorry- I just didn't think you'd be a big fan of friends."

 

"I am not a big fan of the hooligans in that show. But the young lady Monica shows exemplary conducted in keeping her home. You should learn from her, Alison, she might teach you something."

 

"Okay." Alison sighed again, agreeing with Lady Button took a lot less time than arguing about how her views on family roles were incredibly outdated.

 

There was a cough, catching her attention. "So we'll have the disc by nineteen hundred hours, minimum?" The Captain asked, but the way he said it made it sound more like a statement. "That's seven O'clock, Kitty." He added, knowing that she wouldn't understand otherwise.

 

Alison laughed. "Seven O'clock? She lives at the other side of the country, it'll be a couple of weeks before I can get it, at best."

  


She really should have braced herself for the reaction she received. The ghosts, despite being dead, were quite possibly the loudest people Alison had ever met. They were somehow even louder than normal when it came to issues surrounding Friends. And now she was denying them their favourite sitcom, she found herself being attacked by a barrage of noise like never before.

 

After politely nodding her head at them (despite not being able to make out a single word they were saying) for about thirty seconds, the noise quickly became too much, and she had to put a stop to it.

  


"Shut up! All of you!"  

  


They all stopped talking, sheepishly looking around.

  


"I'm sure it's no worry really…" The voice came from behind Alison, she turned round to see Pat, standing meekly with his hands clasped at his chest. "Isn't that right guys?"

 

The other ghosts didn't seem so enthusiastic, but didn't argue back other than a faint mumble from the Captain.

 

Alison smiled at the only ghost who ever seemed to cooperate."Thank you, Pat. It's not like it's that long to wait anyway. I'm sure you can keep yourself occupied. Robin was setting up a chess tournament?"

 

"But we don't like chess." Kitty groaned. "We like Friends!"

 

"I think I'd figured that much out." Alison muttered in response. "If it's that important to you why don't you just watch season six?"

 

All six of the ghosts gasped in unison.

 

"And bypass all the episodes in between? Oh the shame of it! How would we ever watch another episode again without the feeling of shame overshadowing the-"

 

"Okay Thomas, that's enough thank you." She interrupted him, he would have continued his lament until someone did. "Look, if you're not willing to skip ahead or do something else, you'll just have to figure something out yourselves. I'll ask my friend to send it first class."

 

"But Allison…"

 

"No. Mike and I are going to the shop, and I want it to be quiet when I get home." She walked towards the doorway, the ghosts shuffling out of the way to let her through. Just as she was about to be out of their sight she thought of the perfect threat, spinning round on her feet to tell them. "I want you it to be quiet, or no more Friends, ever."

  


Alison smiled as she walked out to the car. As irritating as the ghosts could be she was glad she'd found something that made a group of them so happy. Although, she made a mental note to text her friend as soon as she got phone signal. She didn't want Julian pushing her out of a window again.

 

\--------

 

"Could this _be_ any more boring?"

 

"Why'ds he be saying those words so much?" Mary whispered to Pat as all the ghosts sat in the living room (minus Humphrey's head, who was in the garden, and Humphrey's body, who was presumably wandering aimlessly anywhere but the garden).

 

"Well, you see, the Captain is quoting his favourite character, Chandler." Pat explained.

 

The Captain scoffed. "He's not my favourite."

 

"I've gotta say I see why you like him so much. I didn't think much of him until he slept with Monica but that scene brought back many a good memory. I once slept with 15 different people at a wedding once. Not all at the same time, mind. But I've gotta say the bride wasn't happy when she saw me, the groom and the bridesmaids engaging in a quadruple Swiss Ball Blitz." Julian smiled at the good memory, the rest of the ghosts winced at having to listen to another one of his weird stories again.

  
  


Once again, Thomas broke the silence with his one of his mildly depressing speeches. He sat upon the windowsill, hands pressed up against the glass. "Oh! When will I ever see the love of my life again? How can I continue this sorry excuse of a life-"

 

"You're not even alive!" The Captain shouted across the room.

 

Robin looked up from the chess game his was playing with himself, and held up a hand. "Uh. If your talking 'bout Alison Thomas, I think she went out."

 

"Actually I think Thomas is talking about Rachel." Pat explained again, well used to being a translator of the nonsense.

 

"Oh. It hard to keep up see. He has a lot of his 'love of his life'"

 

"Hey Thomas, if it was raining you would look like Joey when he gets his new apartment with the magical rain window!" Kitty exclaimed, excited to have found a Friend's reference in real life.

 

Mary's eyes widened. "Magic windows be a window of the devil!"

 

"The real window of the devil is the window in my heart, now that I must wait a whole week before I see my beloved Rachel once more."

 

"Now that has got to be one of the stupidest things you've made up." The Captain grumbled at Thomas and his metaphors.

  


"I think I have an idea." Pat interrupted before an argument started. "Why don't we write our own episode of Friends? Alison left her laptop there, Julian could type it out for us! And then we could act it out like a play."

 

The Captain looked up, trying to hide his excitement at this idea. "Hmmf, doesn't sound like such a bad idea. I will be Chandler, of course."

 

Kitty clapped "Oh yes! And I will be Phoebe, and Fanny can be Monica, Thomas would be- erm- Ross?"

 

"No! I shall play the part of Rachel! And Julian should be Joey."

 

"Now why would Julian be Joey?" The Captain Scoffed. "He's nothing like Joey!"

 

"Is that not obvious? How else would we possibly explain a character wearing nothing below his waist?"

 

At the other side of the room Julian nodded his head in agreement. "Although, in my version of Friends nobody wears anything at all- actually maybe we should include that-"

 

"Now now Julian, let's keep it PC, remember that Kitty is going to be watching this." Pat stood up in the centre of the room and addressed the group. "We'll sort out roles later. For now, does anyone have any ideas they'd like to pitch?"

 

The Captain stood up and pushed Pat to the side. "Well, firstly we'll need a relationship. This should be Joey and Chandler, of course."

 

"Why Joey and Chandler?"

 

"It's the most realistic, keep up please Thorne."

 

Kitty held a hand up "Ooh! Can we include the chick and the duck? They're so cute!"

 

"S' long as there nots be any swans. Swans be the spawns of the devil."

 

Pat nodded at her. "Okay, chick and duck but no swans. And Joey and Chandler begin their relationship."

 

"The lady Monica would be having a party, but a proper party, with her closest family and the local nobility." Fanny explained.

 

"Very good Fanny, yes, we will include that. What shall we have Phoebe and Rachel doing? And idea, Robin?" The Captain pointed to the caveman, who really just wanted to play chess and not be involved in this.

 

"Maybe, theres bear. And Phoebe fight bear whilst Rachel want to save bear." Robin suggest, then went back to the chessboard.

 

"That does sound incredibly realistic."

 

"Indeed, if there were to be a bear Phoebe could definitely slay it. But the lady Rachel with her kind a gentle heart would only want to protect the poor creature." Thomas grabbed at his chest, hand to his heart dramatically.

 

"Julian? Are you getting this down?" The Captain shouted across the room.

 

The whole group looked towards Julian, who was leaned over the laptop, struggling to type each letter. "What? Yes, no worries. You guys just keep talking, I'll keep writing."

 

He smirked, stuck his tongue out slightly, and typed another letter.

 

\--------

 

The ghosts continued to argue through a plot until the sky began to darken, and even longer past then.

 

"Right!" The Captain announced. "That's it, our plot is complete!"

 

The ghosts around him applauded.

 

"Hurrah! Maybe we do not need the number five disc anymore, we can just form our own plotlines!"

 

"Exactly, Thomas!" Pat was smiling, practically beaming, at how well everyone was getting along. "You see what we can achieve when we all work as a team!"

 

"Can we start practicing it now!" Kitty smiled.

 

"That depends." The Captain tapped impatiently on the back of the sofa. "Julian, have you finished writing it up?"

 

Julian sat back in the desk chair. "Yeah. I've made a couple of _little_ tweaks to your plot ideas. You know, shake things up a little. Keep it interesting."

 

Thomas gasped. "I thought our plot _was_ interesting."

 

"Oh yeah. Well, no, actually. But it is now. I've based a couple of things of my own life experiences."

 

The Captain marched over, knees cracking loudly as he did. "Here, let me read that."

  
  


Julian scrolled down the page as the Captain's eyes widened further with every word he read. After a good few minutes of intense silence, the Captain finished reading.

 

"This had absolutely nothing to do with out plot! You've just written your own thing!" He shouted.

 

"Well no. Okay, maybe. But you've got to admit _this_ is the kind of thing that will keep the audience hooked."

 

The Captain coughed. "Uh, no. This is the kind of thing that will make audiences run right out the door. I'm fairly sure that is illegal." He pointed to the screen. "and that," he pointed again, "is not respectful to Chandler, he would not let Joey do that to him."

 

Julian shrugged.

 

"Fawcett! Change it to our version, which one of us is the writer here?" Thomas argued.

 

"As far as I can tell, Thorne, it's not you."

 

Thomas gasped again, and Kitty stood up. "That's not nice Julian! He's ahead of his time!"

 

"He's dead!" The Captain shouted. "We're all dead!"

 

Fanny stood up slowly. "Now now, it's unacceptable to be shouting at this time of night in a stately home. In _my_ stately home."

 

"So is there bear? Or is there no bear?"

 

"There's no bear, Robin, because Julian is being insufferable, again."

 

"Actually Thomas, I have included a bear in this story. Just not the type you're thinking of. Actually it reminds me of one time I met this fantastic man round the back of the pub the night before I was elected, we'd just finished a celebratory steak dinner and-"

 

"No! Tis Friday! We mustn'ts eat meat on Fridays for that is forbidded. The Devil will-"

 

"You'll probably have an issue with this story as well then."

 

"I think we all have an issue with this story!"

 

"Here here!"

 

"Now guys there's no need to fight-"

 

"There is very much a need to fight if I could pick up that-"

 

"The devil's be heres and he-"

 

"Is this what a food fights like? I always wanted a food fight-"

 

"It is incredibly unladylike to throw food, Katherine, you of all people should-"

 

"Oh my darling Rachel what have they written about you? How could-"

 

"Fawcett! Change it-"

 

"Make me!"

 

"How can I make you? We're ghosts, for heaven's sake"

 

"Right that's it! I'm going to drown myself in the lake again." Thomas shouted louder than anybody else, stopping the arguing.

 

Kitty broke the silence with a whisper. "Thomas you've already done that today."

 

"Actually you know what I might join you!" The Captain walked over to Thomas with his knees creaking. "And for your sake, Julian, that story better be a bit less- erm- smutty- by the time we get back."

 

"Don't worry- they don't call me Julian 'suitable for work' Fawcett for no reason."

 

"But Julian-" Pat whispered, "they don't call you that."

 

Julian smirked again, "I know, that's precisely the point," then began to type again, adding to his masterpiece.

 

\--------

 

"Do you want me to just order the disc on Amazon? Season five was it?" Mike called to his wife and he walked up the stairs.

 

"Yeah. They deliver up here right?" Alison called back, bringing the bags in from the car. "I really can't believe that her kid ate the whole DVD. I mean, how good does season five taste?"

 

"I don't know. Maybe it was the whole shiny thing?" He walked into the living room and looked around, as if he were going to see the ghosts.

 

"Yo ghosties, if you're around-" he asked awkwardly, "I'm gonna sit on that desk chair, so if you're on it you might wanna move."

 

Mike sat down on the seat, stretching his legs out underneath the desk. He looked up at the screen, surprised to see it was on Microsoft word. That surprise was nothing however, in comparison to his surprise when he read the first line of text on the page.

 

"Alison!" He called. "Could you come here please!"

 

His wife ran up the stairs, stumbling into the room. "What is it? What's wrong."

 

"Read this." He shoved the computer screen over towards her.

 

Alison read it slowly, her face getting more and more pale with every word she read.

  
  


"Oh god," she whispered.

 

"They've written fanfiction."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
